Neurotic

Largely personal, but nobody reads anyway.

Sometimes I wish I had some kind of psychological disorder so people won't say anything about me when I do anything strange. Then I'll be free to do whatever and not be blamed. I know this thought itself is strange, but I really don't mind.


I can't stop thinking the way I'm thinking and I don't think anybody bothers reading this anymore. It doesn't matter. I re-read the scrawls across the pages mixed with the hot tears, I was sobbing uncontrollably and the only way that made me feel better was to pen down my thoughts and emotions.

I didn't feel like talking to anybody and I never will. Its a never-ending cycle, I know. Each time I feel that emotional burden, I'll put it into words in my personal diary or somewhere safe where nobody will read. Most of the time I wont' stop writing till many pages later. I'll feel better but a week later, all those thoughts would come to me again.

I wonder if I'm really neurotic. I wonder why I think so much even though I don't want to. I'm getting increasingly straightforward and stuck in my own world. I'm feeling suffocated for not being able to do what I want to because they say its wrong and self centered and selfish.

I often think about what is right and what is wrong. Somebody asked me why I bother so much, I don't know. It matters alot to me.


I don't know. I feel lost.



I'm alone and I detest that feeling. I'm not alone, yet I am. Perhaps I can feel that emptiness much more than other people do.

People think I'm strange but honestly I don't care if I'm strange or not. I just act however I feel like and I let my emotions show. But I do care about whether there are people who love me. Just that... I don't deserve them sometimes.

If I care so much about others' impression of me, I shouldn't do what I like so I can fit in, but I want to do what I like. Inner struggles.

I have a million questions and everything ends with a question mark. I wanted this in my coursework initially.




I just talked to a friend who's like that too. I'm not the only one but in a way, I am because within our similarities we have our differences. Understanding these people makes you feel better because you know they understand you a little better, at least.

& they won't say you're weird for having these thoughts. Its a good feeling when their thoughts echo yours. But a bad feeling when they think you're faking about understanding when you truly do. I hate being misunderstood.

I was asking questions about the higher law too. The debate made me realise I dislike it when people don't value their own opinions.



I'm often unhappy and this summarizes everything. This doesn't mean I'm putting on a fake front when I'm smiling cause I get high easily too. Its also strange how I deliberately make a smile fake if I know it is fake, just so people would know its fake (so they know I'm not trying to fake a real smile) I care alot about whether something (expression, words) is fake or not and that might bother some people.



I feel like an oddball and I feel like I'm alone. I don't like it.
I wonder if people learn to like it, or they just like being alone.


Alright, a little better. Its been another bad day.